Looking at his preschool calendar.
Forrest: What are we doing on this day?
Me: It looks like you have a field trip to Cabela’s that day.
Forrest: Oh! Cabela’s! Is that like Disney World?
Me: . . . well, some people would say so, yes.
Waiting in line at the store, Forrest spotted a man ahead of us in line with full tattoo sleeves.
Forrest: WHOA!! Look at the pictures on that guy’s arms!
Me: Yeah, those are tattoos.
Forrest: Those are SO SO COOL! I wish I had those pictures on my arms! (dramatic sigh) But he has those big muscle arms and I just have little arms. So I will wait until I grow up, and then I will have big muscle arms, and then I can have those arm pictures.
Me: Forrest, put your plate in the dishwasher before you go play.
Forrest: Nope. I think you can handle that job.
Me: (death glare)
Forrest: (nervous chuckle) Oh, right, ha ha, I better do that job all by my big boy self and I definitely do not need a time out!!
Forrest woke up twice in the night feeling sick, and threw up both times. In the morning, I woke up to find him standing next to my bed, with his face about 5 inches away from mine.
Forrest: Happy burfday, Mama.
Me: Thanks buddy, but it’s not my birthday.
Forrest: Happy burfday, and I threw up on the couch.
Forrest: Do you know why we celebrate Easter?
Forrest: Because it’s Santa’s birthday.
Me: No, actually, Easter was when Jesus died and got resurrected.
Forrest: Oh, right! And Jesus died-ed because he was just getting very old and sick.
Me: That’s not even close--
Forrest: But it’s okay that he died-ed, because he did some bad things. He was not a good guy.
Me: Oh my gosh, no.
His religious education is coming along reeeeeaaal nice.
I can’t remember why, but Forrest was furious at me for some reason. I’m sure it was justified.
Forrest: (screaming) I don’t want you anymore!!!
Me: What do you mean?
Forrest: I want you to go away from here and NEVER COME BACK!!!
Me: Fine, I’ll leave. (starts downstairs—don’t ask what the plan was, I didn’t have one.)
Forrest: (after a moment) WAIT!! NO!! DON’T GO!!!
Me: I thought you wanted me gone forever.
Forrest: (on the verge of tears) You can’t go! Darcy is too heavy for me to carry up and down the stairs by myself!!
Me: Really? That’s the only reason you want me here?
Forrest: Also, I cannot reach the food!